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I don't know what to call this essay, yet. Probably should be called...


I Hate Seals



I was watching this thing about these wind mill things off the coast of nantucket that this company wants to build. I think it's a great idea. But, those darn liberal hippies don't.

One of their best arguments is that the wind farm thing will be dangerous to the migratory seal population. That's stupid. The wind farm is about the size of Long freakin' Island. And that much wind would probably make some noise and waves. That should send some kind of signal along the lines of "SWIM AROUND!" Sorry, but if those seals are too stupid to swim around a big mass of blades, they deserve to die. And animal that stupid should be extinct.

Know what? I know the real reason the wind farm's being built. Not to replace fossil fuels, but to keep those retarded seals out. I mean, what's the point? It's not like they're helpful to the economy. all they do is crap on the beaches and eat the valuable fish the fishermen catch. You can't even eat them.

I say we make a coalition. The National Organization of Seal Eaters. Not only do help get rid of those pesky seals, we also have a funny acronym. N.O.S.E. The Nose. Get it? Screw you. I think it's witty.

Know what else? It's all the eskimos' fault. If they never showed those stupid Frenchmen that you can eat seal, I wouldn't have had crappy processed chicken nuggets for dinner, but crappy processed seal nuggets. Sure, it would have tasted the same, but I'd have had the satisfaction of eating one of those retarded seals.

People are all for getting rid of global warming. But nooo. Club one baby seal and it's off to jail for you mister. It's the same thing as trying to get rid of aerosol! Except you can't boycott seals. You CAN however, eat and make clothes from seals. It's bullcrap, man. I should be able to eat any seal I want to. It isn't fair.

Know how many people die a year from seal attacks? Three hundred million. Fine, I made those statistics up, but so does CNN. OH! But how many people does global warming kill? Three. Those three retarded scientists stupid enough to go to the antartic and research it. And it isn't really even because of global warming. It's because it's FREAKING COLD! See a pattern there?

And global warming's never eaten a baby. Seals' food of choice is babies. I'm not lying. Seals come all the way to Nantucket just to eat babies. that's why eskimos clubbed seals; to save their offspring. Club a seal, save a baby.

Back on global warming real quick. Is it really that bad a thing? Sure, it'll melt the polar ice caps, but think of it this way; more beaches. Everybody likes going to the beach!

So, in conclusion, seals are the enemy. Global warming is the friends, really. But, for some reason, we can't keep a balance. One goes, they both go. One stays, they both stay. That's why I'm in favor of clubbing and eating baby seals.